Completely Overwhelmed

The past couple of weeks I have been having mild anxiety attacks. Maybe they are panic attacks. What's the difference anyway? I think panic attacks are sudden and short-lived and anxiety attacks build up over time. I guess I am having anxiety attacks. I've been worried about a lot lately but I get these sudden spurts where I feel like the world is about to come crashing down on my head. I'm actually having one now and decided that I need to get it out.

I think the main reason I am freaking out lately is because my bank account is almost $15,000 lower this year than it was last year. There, I said it. Out loud. Or in type, rather. I had a ton of unexpected, large expenses and a couple of fun expenses that were still large, but at least they were fun! The crown after my root canal, my dog getting sick and then being put down, plumbing explosions (ok, leaks, whatever), allergy shots, paying a butt-load of tuition, needing new tires...all of that wasn't fun. There were several more not fun parts of 2009, but they weren't nearly as expensive as the ones I just mentioned. Then we got new floors and went to New York. Those parts were fun...and sometimes not...but dang if they weren't expensive!

So, that explains about 60% of my anxiety. Yes, only 60%. I thought it would be more than that seeing as how I always freak out about not having enough money in savings, but it is what it is right now and plenty of people have reminded me that all that above stuff that happened is the EXACT reason why you should have a savings account in the first place! Not that it really helps, but I just have to think back to when I was first starting off in this crazy, "real" world and I barely had two nickels to rub together! I managed to lively frugally then, so I need to manage to live frugally now.

Oh yeah, back to the other 40%. I just feel so disorganized lately. My house is a disaster, I can't concentrate at work, school is about to start again and I'm getting married. Yesterday, I realized that every time someone asks me how the wedding planning is going or if my mom calls me with some more wedding stuff, it annoys me. And it's not that these people are annoying me at all...it's that I feel so unorganized and so overwhelmed with everything right now that I don't want to talk about it. Anyone who has ever known me for any length of time can tell you that I am the worst procrastinator. And I mean the WORST! I will put off writing a paper until the night before it's due. Time and time again. But, with the wedding, I know I can't procrastinate so I am starting to feel overwhelmed by it all. And it's making me shut down.

So, resolution #4 for 2010 is to get my life cleaned up, organized and on track!

You see how I made that bold, italicized AND red? That means that if I don't stick to 1 through 3, then this HAS to be the one I accomplish!

Luckily this is a 4-day weekend for me and even though my Friday and Saturday are already gone due to prior commitments, I will be spending every waking minute I am at home cleaning my house up. I'm getting Jonathan started on the garage today (DID YOU HEAR ME, JONATHAN?!?!?! TODAY!!!) to go through all of his boxes that he still has in there from moving in. Yes, for almost 3 years now we have had so much crap in the garage that needs to be thrown away. So, since today and Sunday are supposed to be sunny around here, those days are dedicated to garage and backyard clean-up! Friday night and Monday are dedicated to picking up the house, deciding what stays and what goes and organizing the stuff that stays.

I'm damn determined to become a clean-freak. I won't make that a resolution, though, because I've been damn determined in the past about it...and, well, you see where we are today.

This has got to happen for me. Why? Because I don't believe in medicating a problem when you know exactly how to fix it. And fix it, I will.